My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
