Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
3 2 1 whiskey
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
