im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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