Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
