Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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