just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize