so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
