The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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