Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
