cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize