in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
