there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize