after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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