did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize