Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
