Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
