So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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