omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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