I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
