the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
