i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize