I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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