I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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