Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
