just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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