so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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