Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
