hotel room ftw
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize