he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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