When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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