never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
