I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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