I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize