she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize