And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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