you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
