Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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