only you would photoshop your dick
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
