I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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