I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
