honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
