one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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