I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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