Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I can text with my tongue
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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