Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
