My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Your dad touched me again.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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