i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
