So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
