My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
