First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
