I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
