my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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