Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
