I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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