im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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