there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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