she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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