She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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